Derek "Its not unusual" Ferguson has entered the cult TV show hosted by Matthew Belly "Stars in there eyes" looking to win a holiday for two in Whitley Bay. The story started 20 years ago when Derek "Its not unusual" Ferguson was working in New Zealand. A visit to the Doctors was needed after Derek was bitten by a snake in The Plaza !! this being the local pub. The Doctor had no problems removing the venom and asked Derek how he felt? Derek told the Doctor that he had been missing his beloved "Blighty" and every time he went to have a shave or even just look out of the window he would see the green green grass of home. The doctor was quick to see the symptoms telling Derek he had Tom Jones Syndrome. Derek was obviously worried and asked the doctor if this was a common thing? Again the doctor was quick to reassure Derek telling him "Well it's not unusual"!! The likeness is uncanny and since that day Derek has been mistaken for Tom on numerous occasions, as we reported earlier this year a trip to a Morpeth off licence turned to near disaster when Derek was set upon by a coach load of over 60's returning from the real Tom Jones concert. The police had to be called in to break up the scuffle for his autograph, Derek received a black eye and needed 26 stitches… in his leather trousers!!! However on the bright side he was given a lift home, in the back of a police van! "I may as well make something of it, that is why I am entering the show." said Derek. He continued saying "I can only sing when I'm in the bath so the producers of the show have got me sitting in a big bath full of soapy water with lots of dolly birds washing me down, it's really tasteful"! The same show has a somewhat 'Cheviot' feel to it with Les "WD40" Chapman performing a spectacular rendition of 'Jake The Peg' by Rolf Harris and Jackie "Irish Jack" Wallace as 'Barry White' !!!
"LESTERS BRIDE" REVEALS ALL!

John Wayne fan Les "WD40" Chapman is in the news once after his wife, better know as 'The Bride', revealed all in a heated telephone interview with our war correspondent. Les's angry wife has blamed cheviot mickey takers for putting undue pressure on the poor bloke. She said that "WD40" was staying up all night on many occasions reading the dictionary in an attempt to improve his nursing notes and that this habit is starting to get "beyond a joke". "This now has preference over a night of passion and is destroying our sex life" she continued. "WD40" whose wonderful words of wisdom have include in the past such masters as 'Pontificating', 'Fond-adieu' and the ever popular 'Desiccating and Diligently' said on the matter "When I first came to the unit my nursing notes were of a similar standard to Barry "Isum" Jordan and look at the stick that poor bloke gets, I just couldn't take it". A spokesman for the Cheviot mickey takers Mr Alan "Deputy" Holland said, between a sandwich a pot of tea and a current bun, "Mr 'WD40' has brought this all upon himself now if you don't mind I've got a couple of cheese rolls to finish off before I have my lunch"!!! The investigation will continue watch this space .
STOP PRESS.........KEN "PANTO" DOBIN(SON) MADE CHEVIOT CHIEF, HOW !!! WILL THIS MEAN THE END FOR CHEVIOT CHUNTER? ALSO NIGEL "BIG RON" ATKINSON ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!! WHAT THE HELLS GOING ON???? See next issue if there is one...................…