Cheviot Chunter                   Issue 16             Dec 97
"I WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS IN THE MIDDLE OF A69!"

HOUSE EXCLUSIVE BY SCOOP JEFFREY
Do Aliens and UFO's really exist or is it just a load of 'tish'? This is the question experts have been trying to answer for years although one person who has had first hand experience with the 'people from the outer space' is our own Judith "Mrs Doyle" Speakman who in an Exclusive interview says she was abducted by aliens the night she met her future husband.The alleged abduction took place in 1976 when Judith was a glamorous model on the hit television show 'Sale of the Century'! The shows presenter, Nicholas Parsons, had invited Judith out for a drink and a bit on the side plate but was surprised and relieved when she turned him down for Cat Weasel actor and cider drinker Harry "The Hat" Speakman who was filming in the next studio. Judith said "Harry knew a quiet little pub out in the wilds were a landlady would gave him a good head on his auld Roger! (This being Harry's favourite tipple) and give him change from a pound". The journey to the pub was along the notorious A69 a tight twisty road which was not lit and very dark. "About halfway in to the journey Harry decided he would have some scrumpy and pulled out a bottle from his pocket suddenly there was several bright lights over the car and I began to lose consciousness, when I awoke a few hours later Harry was gone, the car was in the same place but a briefcase containing five hundred pounds was in the back seat ". she continued, "Then Harry appeared from a bush in a field carrying a red can, he told me we had ran out of petrol and I had fallen asleep". Questions however remain to be answered, where did the money come from? Experts who later examined the evidence revealed that Judith was the victim of a bizarre UFO kidnapping and that she had been taken aboard to entertain the aliens, the money had been her fee for the evening! The only memories Judith has of the 'horrific' night are Harry and a small tattoo which has been strategically placed by the aliens, she was not willing to tell this publication but sources say she will have to 'sit with it' for the rest of her life!!!
LATE NEWS......…
Reports say that Gary "Marty Feldman" Bridgewater has been super glued to Cheviots office chair in a bizarre prank have been dismissed as very 'tacky'.… Tom "Mr Sheen" Woodmass has joined the Magic Circle in an attempt to find more ways of disappearing..… Ken "Panto" (Dobin)son is the latest member of staff to join the units pantomime....… Brian "Fry Up" Gibbon returns from holiday a hero after providing the entertainment for the hotel.......and finally gym expert Paul "Speedy" Easton is to have his own television cookery show after a 'Rip' roaring Ready Steady Cook!!

"CHILL OUT MAN"....ITS JUST A BIT OF FUN!!
Complaints have been made about inaccurate stories covered in Cheviot Chunter. Editor Steven "Scoop" Jeffrey was nowhere to be found but released this statement thorough his solicitor. "I find it very upsetting that people have made complaints about my stories, every thing you read in the Chunter has happened!! and I just write what the people tell me!, if your offended then the simple answer would be to stop reading". Rumour has it that the Chunter may be forced to stop publishing and go underground but we stress just rumours.