| Cheviot Chunter Issue 16 Dec 97 |
HOUSE EXCLUSIVE BY
SCOOP JEFFREY
Do
Aliens and UFO's really exist or is it just a load of 'tish'? This is the
question experts have been trying to answer for years although one person
who has had first hand experience with the 'people from the outer space'
is our own Judith "Mrs Doyle" Speakman who in an Exclusive interview says
she was abducted by aliens the night she met her future husband.The alleged
abduction took place in 1976 when Judith was a glamorous model on the hit
television show 'Sale of the Century'! The shows presenter, Nicholas Parsons,
had invited Judith out for a drink and a bit on the side plate but was
surprised and relieved when she turned him down for Cat Weasel actor and
cider drinker Harry "The Hat" Speakman who was filming in the next studio.
Judith said "Harry knew a quiet little pub out in the wilds were a landlady
would gave him a good head on his auld Roger! (This being Harry's favourite
tipple) and give him change from a pound". The journey to the pub was along
the notorious A69 a tight twisty road which was not lit and very dark.
"About halfway in to the journey Harry decided he would have some scrumpy
and pulled out a bottle from his pocket suddenly there was several bright
lights over the car and I began to lose consciousness, when I awoke a few
hours later Harry was gone, the car was in the same place but a briefcase
containing five hundred pounds was in the back seat ". she continued, "Then
Harry appeared from a bush in a field carrying a red can, he told me we
had ran out of petrol and I had fallen asleep". Questions however remain
to be answered, where did the money come from? Experts who later examined
the evidence revealed that Judith was the victim of a bizarre UFO
kidnapping and that she had been taken aboard to entertain the aliens,
the money had been her fee for the evening! The only memories Judith has
of the 'horrific' night are Harry and a small tattoo which has been strategically
placed by the aliens, she was not willing to tell this publication but
sources say she will have to 'sit with it' for the rest of her life!!!
LATE NEWS......…
Reports say that Gary
"Marty Feldman" Bridgewater has been super glued to Cheviots office chair
in a bizarre prank have been dismissed as very 'tacky'.… Tom "Mr Sheen"
Woodmass has joined the Magic Circle in an attempt to find more ways of
disappearing..… Ken "Panto" (Dobin)son is the latest member of staff to
join the units pantomime....… Brian "Fry Up" Gibbon returns from holiday
a hero after providing the entertainment for the hotel.......and finally
gym expert Paul "Speedy" Easton is to have his own television cookery show
after a 'Rip' roaring Ready Steady Cook!!
"CHILL
OUT MAN"....ITS JUST A BIT OF FUN!!
Complaints
have been made about inaccurate stories covered in Cheviot Chunter. Editor
Steven "Scoop" Jeffrey was nowhere to be found but released this statement
thorough his solicitor. "I find it very upsetting that people have made
complaints about my stories, every thing you read in the Chunter has happened!!
and I just write what the people tell me!, if your offended then the simple
answer would be to stop reading". Rumour has it that the Chunter may be
forced to stop publishing and go underground but we stress just rumours.