Cheviot Chunter         Issue 19          Jan 98

HOT CHOCOLATE SONG INSPIRES BRIDGEWATER STRIP! EXCLUSIVE By Scoop Jeffrey
Gary "Marty Feldman" Bridgewater is no stranger to scandal, there have been many episodes were we have seen him at the centre of attention in various guises, his most famous being, as many of you will recall was the "Tartan Jockstrap Incident" earlier last year, but perhaps his latest will have more than just the odd tongue wagging!! Only last week he told me he was becoming jealous and frustrated with Trevor "SuperMex" Davis's popularity and monthly mentions in the Cheviot Chunter and threatened me with a "Big Exclusive". I told him I was happily married and besides I wasn't like that!
I decided to find out what he really meant and after much snooping around I discovered that he had been to the cinema to see top film 'The Full Monty' and had to be escorted out by ushers when 'Hot Chocolates' song 'You Sexy Thing' came on causing Gary to strip off his clothes revealing nothing more than a black leather thong although this was later found to be an old boot lace!! The manager of the cinema Mr Bare Arse told me "I've seen nothing like it, as soon as the music started he just got up and took his kit off, it was as if he was in a trance." The young usher who escorted Gary out was a Miss Sven Der Belt (exchange student from Amsterdam) "I'll never forget this incident, it was really strange his eyes were almost popping out of his head, I've seen some weird things coming from Holland and you English are funny people, last year in Amsterdam I saw this Englishman who looked like Rolf Harris preaching in the street from an Oxford concise Dictionary, he was drinking a bottle of Gin and spraying his legs with WD40". She said. (This description fits the bill of Les "WD40" Chapman further investigations will continue.) However, getting back to Gary "Marty Feldman" Bridgewater I later asked him about this episode and he explained "Years ago when I was a teenager I went out with the Rugby Club for a few drinks, the star turn that night in the club was a hypnotist called 'Hypno' and apparently he got me up on stage to put me under his control, I remember him saying to me every time you hear Hot Chocolate's song 'You Sexy Thing' you will 'strip off your clothes' and ever since then I've done just that, its embarrassing". He continued, "I even went to see them play on television's Top of the Pops in the 70's and again had to be escorted out by angry security guards when I went into a trance and started stripping, I can still recall the look on the lead singers face it was horrible". Experts on the subject of hypnotism told me he will have to live with the problem for the rest of his life due to the procedure the hypnotist used and issued this warning.… If you suspect Bridgewater has heard the song in emergencies throw a bucket of water over him and stop the music immediately !!!
"SHEEP SHA...." LEAK CAUGHT ON CAMERA.
Christmas night out seen a great deal of fun what with Paul "The Kid" Shepherd dancing with "Irish Jack" Wallace trying to seed his 'Acorn' and Barry "Isum" Jordan just being himself! but none more than Chris "Sheep sha..." Bell taking a 'leak' and almost being arrested by two burly Policemen, infact if it wasn't for the dulcet tones of Toni "Slow toe" Easton screaming "I'm a qualified psychiatric Nurse just let him go" he may well have been spending the night in the cells!! However, I noticed last week while shopping in the town that a high level security camera was positioned directly opposite the offending area and focused in. Who knows we may have a budding star at work if the BBC or ITV get hold of the tape for the next series of 'Caught on Camera'!! Toni now has a new name in the Chunter you guessed it Toni "I'm a Qualified Nurse" Easton and also she wins this years Cheviot Chunter award for Special Honour In The Line Of Absolute Duty or SHITLOAD for short, Congratulations Toni !!!! Other awards to be annouced soon.