WHO ATE ALL THE PIES? BELLY FLOPPING CHAMPION SPEAKS OUT.

EXCLUSIVE By Scoop Jeffrey

The Heavyweight Belly Flopping Championship of 1998 belongs to Cheviots very own Trevor "SuperMex" Davis. The contest took part last week in the infamous 'fictional' Cheviot Hall and was watched around the world by several television viewers!! However, "SuperMex" got off to a bad start at the weigh in when he was judged to be overweight and broke the scales!! "One at a time please" said the judge not knowing that it was only BigTrev. He was given 20 minutes to lose some weight or face being disqualified while the scales were repaired. Frantic efforts took place backstage as Trevors team 'engineers' tried all ways to remove some weight from Trevors 'conch' however with only seconds to go and several visits to the toilet they tried shaving off his moustache. Team manager Brian "Fry Up" Gibbon told me how hard Trevor had been working for the contest, "He spends most of his time 'working out' in his local Pub! Also we have a very strict diet for him to follow which includes his personal favourite of 'Creme ALA Phlegm' and a beef dripping chaser"! The second weigh in revealed Trevor to be two stone's lighter without his moustache (The removed hair was sold for charity to a firm that specialises in chest wigs for Pigmies, 370 were produced!!) and so the contest could begin. His opponent Mr Bobby Lardarse was the undisputed reigning champion and had been for three years but "Supermex" was to give him a taste of his own medicine. When they lined up belly to belly the usual obscenities were made with Lardarse calling Davis a "Garden Rake and a big girls blouse" while in reply Davis flung the old chestnut "Wish you were a statue and I was a pigeon". By now the crowd were at fever pitch and with that the referee sent both men to either ends for the big run up. The whistle blew and off they both set on collision course, it seemed as if they were running in slow motion but it was as fast as their legs could go under the weight, however "SuperMex" burst into a late charge and bounced Lardarse straight though the window. "SuperMex" was victorious and out of breath. His award and prize of 30,000 mince pies was presented by Derek "Tom Jones" Ferguson who was making his final appearance at a Cheviot function. He then disappointed the crowd by singing.

MISTAKEN IDENTITY LEADS TO JOB OFFER

Steven "Scoop" Jeffrey was sensationally offered a part in the remake of the 70's television smash hit The Professionals playing the part of Bodie's son! "Scoop" was spotted last week in London by a television producer representing the new production and asked to go for a screen test. However "Scoop" said "People never remember my real name, to some I'm Chris others call me Stu, I've even been called Barry but worst of all is when people ask if my dad was in the professionals so you can imagine my anger when this 'Crackpot' asked me to go with her to the studios, I told her that I had been given a better offer from the makers of 'Action Man' who want to model my looks on their new figure of "Night Shift Man" with infra red eyes"!! "Although I'm sure you'll all agree that neither can offer the excitement and fulfilment of our current roles"!!!!!!!!!!!