'MY CARS GOT MORE RUST ON THAN YOURS' EXCLUSIVE By Scoop Jeffrey

The latest classic car to own apparently is a Ford Sierra and according to the founder member of the SAS or 'Sierra Appreciation Society,' Trevor "SuperMex" Davis, preferably an old rusty red one! Trevor, who started the club off last year has so far got two other members of the Cheviot staff to part with their moneys in order to buy one of the clapped out old wrecks and latest member Chris "Sheep Sha..." Bell has found it to be good value for money! Chris showed us round his pride and joy and explained to us why he swapped his super charged Vauxhall Calibra for a rusty old wreck. He started off with the exterior which he assured me was absolutely 100% solid rust with a touch of red primer on the bonnet that had been splashed on by restoration vandals whom Chris had run down one day when he caught them trying to restore his Sierra, "I'm waiting for my holidays so I can hire a machine to clean off the primer and get the colour back to the original rust again" he said. The interior is equally appalling. This could comfortably accommodate the driver, three sheep and a pair a wellies in the boot!!! The other member of the group is Jackie "Irish Jack" Wallace. Her car is by far the tidiest and the highest spec sporting electric windows, power steering, central locking, four wheels, a plastic gear knob and valid tax disc!!! The car is nicknamed 'Vera' and little work has been needed on her although it did brake down one night in Bedlington when Jackie failed to fill it with fuel !! Lucky for "Irish Jack" that Malcolm "Batman" Cape was patrolling that night, he dipped the oil, gave it a bit lubricating and then filled her straight up!! Jackie's Sierra also has a personalised sun visor with her name on, while on the passenger side a vacant or engaged sign can be clearly seen just in case she has any Taxi work to do!! Club meetings occur for those people interested in joining at the 'Fictional Cheviot Hall' although the three present members synchronise their night shifts so they can get together to discuss Sierra issues. Meanwhile, "SuperMex" has a monster of a Sierra, external appearance is almost as refined as a Sherman tank but without the turret, when it starts up a cloud of green gas belches from the rear end, "SuperMex" told us this was a sign of a well-serviced engine, however on closer inspection we discovered that the engine had been replaced be a bag of Mexican jumping beans while the exhaust was directly attached to the drivers seat hence the cloud of gasses! In fact one morning whilst waiting for Trevor's car to start after night shift I was knocked unconscious by the gas that was emitted from his twin exhaust pipe! "SuperMex" is a regular visitor to "WD40"' Chapmans scrap yard in Ashington. Here various parts can be acquired at a reasonable price with Les pre owning all cars there, however Trevor told us it was no place for a novice, "One day I was there looking for a spare bald tyre and a starter motor, so I parked my beloved in the car park, when I returned some bugger was dismantling my car"! Davis and his car have been together for some time, he bought it from Blyth Port Authority after it was dredged out of the harbour! Staff wishing to view the classics can see them most nights in the staff car park but please do not touch as they are very fragile. Anyone wishing to join must have a Sierra with a minimum of 70% rust, 3 bald tyres a leaky hatch and must not have paid more than £150 pounds for it! Please see Mr Trevor "SuperMex" Davis who will issue you with an information pack and car sticker.

PEACH CRUMBLE AND CUSTARD'!!

Diane "The Decorator" Bruce launched a counter attack on Brian "Fry Up" Gibbon yesterday as their war of words continued. A press conference was called late last night by Diane who said "I'd rather be an old peach than a wrinkly old prune like that fat baggy bastard Gibbon, infact him and that Les "WD40" Chapman are like a couple of solid mahogany bookends"! "Fry Up" naturally denied calling Diane any names and was visible shaken at the sharpness of the attack. He told me he was seeking legal aid and would be getting in touch with his old pal Mark "The Weasel" Stafford for some hints and tips after his much published battles with "Supermex".