TOM "LORD LUCAN" WOODMASS HAS A 43 INCH EXTENSION!!

EXCLUSIVE By Scoop Jeffrey
A remarkable event took place this last week when Mr Tom "Lord Lucan" Woodmass latest invention, a 43" Telescopic Extension was put on the market!! Gadget inventor Tom has been at it for years trying to come up with the next big discovery and believes this is the one that housewife's all over the country will be queuing to purchase! While in secret testing there was no holding Tom back, he would whip it out on every conceivable occasion, giving the end a quick rub then stroking it along the furniture before anyone could catch him! However his next invention we feel at the Chunter will be Toms greatest and most successful and as if by magic we can exclusively reveal it in this publication as the all new 'Viagra' Super Mop(TM) which Tom himself guarantees "Not to wear out"!!! Infact the Cheviot Chunter has just signed a three year deal worth an amazing £2.69 with Tom to become the 'Official' Sponsors of the new Mop!! Tom told us that demonstrations can be arranged in the privacy of the prospective purchasers home and that he also gives free delivery and installation!! One of Toms first customers for his services was Judith "Silver Fox" Speakman who ordered 3 dozen insisting that she was buying early for Christmas. However we can again exclusively reveal that the "Silver Fox's" partner in crime Harry "The Hat" Stephen's has had to take a week off work cleaning the house from top to bottom, followed by another week on the sick due to exhaustion!!!! Allegedly!!

"SPECIAL" ORDER OF THE CHAIR FOR GARY "MARTY FELDMAN" BRIDGEWATER.

Chair tester for a local Swedish superstore Gary "Marty Feldman" Bridgewater has been awarded the highest honour for his services to chair sitting! Gary was unavailable for comment yesterday but issued a statement saying that he was deeply shocked at his award and would continue to keep up the good work! Later Gary was presented with his trophy by comic legend and master chair sitter Ronnie Corbett. He was also presented with his prize which was a three piece suite and pouffe! "How ma supposed to geet that hame" he said. However to his rescue came Les "WD40" Chapman who fitted it in the back of his Ford Escort and still had enough room for the kitchen sink!!