.........ABANDON HOUSE.......... MANAGERS AND QUALIFIED FIRST!!

EXCLUSIVE By Scoop Jeffrey

Hot on the heals of Gary "Garbridge" Bridgewater departure last month came the disturbing news that Shirley "RockChick" Wakefield has been reinstated as lead singer with Bon Jovi however this time on a more permanent basis. The glamorous exmanager of Cheviot House gave her farewell performance at the 'Cheviot Fictional Hall' with a thunderous rendition of "Keep the faith". Also to leave is '70 mugs a day man' Nigel "Big Ron" Atkinson who has been 'beamed' up by 'Fat' cat managers to star in 'Villa7' a follow on to the classic television series of the BBC's si-fi adventure show Blake 7!! "This man is in great demand" said Trevor "Supermex" Davis, "He has had job offers from all the major companies, Tetley, Typhoo, 69 or was that 99 and even one from PG tips to star as a Chimp"!!! Glad to see the back of him is unit magician Tom "Lord Lucan" Woodmass who told the Chunter he was already well over his budget for tea bags this year and was having to negotiate with a bloke he knew in India, 'Jardox and Butter' would also be off his list!!  Who's next is unknown but rumour has it that Darren 'Snipper' Armstrong and Malcom 'Batman' Cape will be next to jump the sinking ship as we cruise in to uncharted rough waters!!

NEIL 'HOT-DOG' HOLDROYD MAKES A TRIUMPHANT RETURN!!

It's certainly not all one way traffic no siry, as three staff leave one is sent to replace them!! and Neil 'Hot-dog' Holdroyd was just that man! "Hot-dog", as he likes to be called, was transferred 2 years ago from Cheviot for a then record price of 2 pints and a mince pie after a scandal involving a chicken and a bevy of blondes. He was seen last week signing autographs as he arrived from Planet Tweed. Staff who don't know Neil will be pleasantly surprised by his charm and wit! He has a good sense of humour and a bright hair! Well, he used to!