"INTERVIEWER IS A VAMPIRE"

EXCLUSIVE BY CHRIS LEE!!
Steven "Scoop" Jeffrey has spoken of his battle to beat a nightmare addiction to human blood.
Staff on the unit had often wondered why Scoop was never seen through the day, untill last week when he was spotted doing dayduty. In an 'Interview with Vampire' Monthly "Scoop" was quoted as saying "Being a Vampire has ruined my career and my marriage. For 5 years I used to live in a coffin and would only come out at night , searching for people to bite"!
Les "WD40" Chapman said about the garlic hating fiend "I had always thought there was something strange about the lad when I caught him sharpening his teeth with a nail file",while Neil "Hot-dog" Holdroyd said "I knew he didn't like steaks but I never realised it was the wooden kind!" Scoop said later "If you don't watch yourself I'll BAT yer in the mouth!"

NO CONTROL , NO RESTRAINT
By Scoop Jeffrey

A driverless car ploughed into the side of the Unit last week causing no damage what so ever. The Car an antique Ford Escort had apparently been making a break for freedom from its new owner Les "WD40" Chapman after it found out the fate of WD's previous car.
"WD40" could not understand at first why the car had made its break untill he realised he'd forgot to put a brick under the front wheels,"It must of been the strong winds we had last week"continued Les.

Gibbon and Bruce to enter "Song for Europe"
Brian "Fry up" Gibbon is to team up with Diane "The Decorator" Bruce to release this years "song for Europe" . They will perform the old Sonny and Cher classic "I've got you babe" while the B side will be "The Funky Gibbon" by the Goodies.