MARK "WEASEL" STAFFORD CONTEMPLATES A MOVE DOWN SOUTH !

EXCLUSIVE BY SCOOP JEFFREY

Legion Commodious better know as Mark "Weasel" Stafford has decided to pack up his troubles and make a fresh start down south. The shock news comes just a few days after he and "Rock Chicks" other favorite staff were given a top secret mission to perform. Details are sketchy but it appears that he and Chris "Sheep Sh...."Bell ,also on the mission, had been checking out the Totty and had decided that there was more than enough to go round.

Speaking on the matter Chris "Sheep Sh...." Bell said "I can understand Mark wanting to leave the North East, he told me he had had enough of leading a normal mundane life and that the south was for him." We interviewed Nigel "Big Ron" Atkinson who said "He was like a dog in heat, rubbing his hands together and foaming at the mouth" All that Mark would say was he just wanted to keep a BREAST of the situation and he would be BUSTING a gut to get there not wanting to make a BOOB of things!!!

JORDANS TOP GEAR TIPS

This week we bring you a new feature with Barry "isum" Jordans top tastic tips for the successful motorist.

1:- Make sure you shut all 4 doors before pulling away.

2:- Always buy a car with a large boot so that you can hide a body in it so you can double it up as a Hearse when times are hard.

3:- For greater fuel economy always use white diesel..

4:- Never transport your new exhaust on a bike.

5:- When buying a car always make sure you get the best deal possible never trust the sales men cause there only after one thing your money.

6:- Its always polite to smile when going past speed cameras.

7:- A clean rear end helps the boys in blue to identify you as you wizz past.